THE FACE OF STRENGTH

By Eve Schance

Everyone’s experience in this environment and how they navigate this place is different and unique to that individual. I have tried to the best of my ability to navigate prison the same way I navigate my life in general. Stay true to myself, keep it classy and be practical. In a nutshell I try to let my personality and charisma shine, along with being respectful and not putting up with bullshit. I have been able to have a unique prison experience for a trans/gay person. The motto of my life is “People will stare, make it worth their while,” which was said by one of the greatest jewelry artists of all time Mr. Harry Winston. This means so much more to me than just my outward appearance. 

People in and out of prison have always told me that they envy my confidence and the way I so effortlessly am myself with no regard. To me, it seems that people are staring at me inside and out, so I make it worth their while by being confident, respectful, personable, intelligent and aware of my surroundings at all times. Many trans/gay people in prison have a very hard time dealing with “Good dudes” and staff, and just the prison population in general for many reasons. The men in prison do perceive us as weak, stupid, to be used for sex and to be laughed at. For some trans people it can be doubly hard because inmates and certain staff look at us as a subspecies of the human race, and can treat us so disrespectfully, and inhumanely socially. A trans person can be pushed to the brink of a mental breakdown. Some self-harm, and even worse attempt or commit suicide. Most people in this environment are looking for a person who is weaker than themselves in some way or another. It can be racial, sexual, type of crime or just a person who is viewed as weaker; it’s a dire and sad situation.

As for myself I learned to navigate this environment at the young age of 20. In 2003, when my prison career started, I came into prison as a young gay boy who was cute and new to the system, so, in other words, and by all accounts, vulnerable. I was lucky enough to meet a mentor/friend named Fonz who was a veteran queen in the system, and had done 20 years. She taught me how to conduct myself as a gay person in the prison environment. She taught me how to walk a fine line between the politics of prison, for example not snitching and minding my own business, and also being true to myself, and my identity. I owe so much to that friend of mine for “showing me the ropes.”

“I hold my head high, and continue to carry myself with dignity, and poise”

Along the way I have taken what I’ve learned, and from my own experiences I’ve earned and kept the respect of prisoners who normally wouldn’t associate with trans or gay people. I have been able to stay relatively drama—and bullshit—free, and still do my time comfortably, and as easily as possible with respect from different people with different backgrounds. There are still people that look at me as an abomination and all I can do is hold my head high and continue to carry myself with dignity and poise. Now times have changed In a way that is even a little surprising to me. After many years of accepting the fate that I would never be able to transition because of circumstances, and not having the resources, I was able to accept myself as a gay/androgynous male. About two-and-a-half years ago I was able to start hormone replacement therapy here in prison and wear makeup as I would on the streets. I am literally changing my outside to match my inside. I have been legally able to change my name and I finally feel confident and at peace with the person I have become.

Transitioning from male to female in an all-male prison environment is daunting to say the least. And is not without its challenges. No matter how strong and confident I am, the prison atmosphere and the political climate of prison can still be dehumanizing, lonely and bigoted. Being a trans person in prison can be very isolating. People are afraid of what others will think of them for just talking to someone like me. Even when people are not prejudice against trans people, they are afraid of judgement so most people will not be caught associating with trans-folk.

“I am trying to change that culture and normalize trans people as much as I can”

It takes a certain strength to have any type of relationship with a trans person in prison—in friendship or romantic relationship. And trans people stay under the microscope from staff and inmates alike. I am trying to change that culture and normalize trans people as much as I can. I am doing what I can to show that we are just people like everyone else and we are trying to live our lives. I am trying to break down barriers and walls between trans people and non-trans people, and the notion that something is wrong with us or with the people who love us

I recently met a man here in the prison, and we were married here in prison. At first my husband and I faced adversity in the early stages of our relationship. He had a difficult time dealing with the “attention,” both positive and negative, that came with being with me. But his love for me and our love for each other persevered and within seven months we were married. The overwhelming show of support that we received from the prison administration was amazing. Of course, there was a lot of negative attention from both officers and inmates, but the support outweighed the hate and we had a perfect wedding (except for the being in prison part). But I feel that if I hadn't already set the groundwork and if i had not already been proactively breaking down the barriers between myself as a positive trans woman and the prison system, our experience would have been very different.

Do I still face adversity? Yes, every day. But I push through with my best face forward and I never show them that it affects me. I do my best to continue to make positive change for myself and those who come after me.

Other Articles From Issue One